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Polyamory or Monogamy in a Swinger Relationship
The term 'swingers' can be used in many ways. Wikipedia defines swinging as follows:
"Swinging, sometimes called wife swapping, husband swapping or partner swapping, is sexual activity in which both singles and partners in a committed relationship engage in such activities with others as a recreational or social activity."
Swinging needs two ingredients: an erotic element, and partners who share a romantic bond, married or otherwise. Anything outside that is something else. It sounds contradictory, but plenty of swingers consider themselves monogamous. Their commitment is to each other, and playing together is part of that rather than a break from it.
Swinging also falls under group sex, since the group is the couples themselves connecting with one another. Male and female pairings have been the tradition, though the Lifestyle looks broader than that today.
Infidelity or Not?
Many couples who are interested in the Lifestyle wonder: is there cheating in swinging? After all, you do not commit adultery, but you have sex with others, which is seen by many people in a monogamous relationship as being unfaithful. But swinging is not unfaithful because both partners are aware and participate in the partner exchange.
The partners search together for other partners on a discreet dating site like SDC, or out at parties and clubs, ideally after agreeing on the shape of the night first: full swap, soft swap, or somewhere between. A good amount of men in the Lifestyle are straight, while many women are either curious about bisexual play or clear that they want it.
The Traditional Swinger Relationship
Monogamy means committing to one partner and keeping romance and sex inside that relationship. Odd as it sounds, most swinger couples describe themselves in nearly those terms. Their love is exclusive, their focus is each other, and the one unconventional piece is that sex sometimes includes other people.
Emotionally, the loyalty stays put. Most couples aren't looking to fall for anyone else, and playing with the same trusted couples is one common way of protecting that.
Still, people are people. Feelings occasionally turn up where nobody planned for them, and some couples find themselves quietly redrawing the map into something polyamorous. That's not a failure, just a turn the road sometimes takes, and honest conversation makes it far easier to navigate.
Polyamory and Swingers
What does polyamory mean in relation to swinging? Simply having a love and sex relationship in addition to the relationship with your own partner.
Polyamory is the practice of loving more than one person at a time, with intimacy and sex very much part of the picture. What makes it work isn't a rulebook, it's openness and honest agreement from everyone involved. And unlike polygamy, marriage doesn't come into it at all.
In a polyamorous relationship, your partner might build something meaningful with someone else while you're not in the room, always with your knowledge and your enthusiastic yes. Polyfidelity is a lovely variation on that theme: a small group who choose each other and only each other, so your partner plus one or more others form a closed, committed circle.
BDSM and Polyamory
The values of a polyamorous relationship are usually based on respect, honesty, communication, and negotiation. You can find these same values in the BDSM subculture that many polyamorists engage in because they, in addition to their own partner, have a specific relationship with someone who is also in the BDSM world.
Swingers and polyamorists are, therefore, two different concepts. It is sometimes said that swing kills polyamory and vice versa. The only agreement is to share a non-monogamous lifestyle with intimate relationships with more than one person.
What Do Swingers Say about Polyamory or Monogamy in a Swinger Relationship?
"We do not swing apart from each other. Not because we do not want each other, but because we do not think it is necessary. We find nothing better than seeing each other enjoy each other, or to spoil others. And to enjoy each other together after the end of the date. But who knows? It may happen to us that we get feelings for someone else. Openness is the only answer, and discuss how you will deal with it."
"We have friendships that have been around for years. Some we can love, some we can stay with or go on vacation with. We can date separately. But we also had to say goodbye to a lot, and with a lot of sadness because the one still felt it, and the other one no longer. Just go dating. If something beautiful grows out of it after that date, then that is extra valuable for us."
"We are more polyswingers, and with a super click between all four, there is the possibility of dating in all sorts of combinations. So also separately. But there is always an emotional aspect to it and sometimes you see that it is more difficult for one of the four. Those are going to test empathic abilities. People must be able to be very open about their feelings, and others must respect them. Separate dating is not the hardest part of this; as soon as people get real polyamorous feelings for others, it often gets a little scary."
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