Elevated Intimacy
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Webinar hosted by Justin Gottlieb of TANTRALOVECOACH
Whether you're an experienced swinger or a total beginner, there are ways to navigate sex parties that bring more pleasure and connection. Other ways can cost you your relationship or your safety. With more than 20 years in the lifestyle, Justin has watched fun nights end in broken trust and breakups. As a Tantra practitioner and Sexual Freedom Coach, Justin blends conscious sexuality and kink with real-world experience in consent and safety.
Justin shares the Top 10 Tantric Tips for Swinging and Sex Parties. Some are practical and some are spiritual. A few might even save your favorite panties or that nice new belt. Justin has attended hundreds of sex parties, from dark basements to castles, and has hosted many events. Come curious and bring your questions. Nothing is too beginner or too awkward to ask. Let's make your next adventure one that helps you grow in love and pleasure.
Tip One: Slow Down and Be Present
The first tip is to slow down and pay attention instead of chasing whoever looks most exciting. Justin admits to still walking in "like a kid in a candy shop." Rushing makes you forget your intentions and often leads to regret. As Justin puts it, "Sexual abundance is not the same as sexual fulfillment."
Presence matters in conversation too. People notice when you're half-listening while eyeing someone walking by. For Justin, the most attractive thing anyone can do at a sex party is truly pay attention. "I want to feel special," Justin said. Instead of rushing a couple to the playroom, get to know them and make sure everyone feels safe. A tense body or a lack of desire can signal that things are moving too soon.
Slowing down also regulates energy. Deep breaths and pauses can encourage others to match your pace. When one attendee shared feeling numb while performing, Justin agreed that slowing down "awakens the body." Ask yourself whether you've ever left a good moment early to scan the room for someone better.
Tip Two: Master the Art of the Exit
Leaving an unwanted conversation is one of the hardest party skills. Discussing intentions and boundaries beforehand helps you know whether you're where you want to be. Without that clarity, it's easy to get pulled into someone else's journey. Justin notes that many people spend the whole evening at the bar and never reach the playroom.
Use a polite exit line early, like "Great meeting you, enjoy your night." As Justin puts it, "You don't owe anyone a 30-minute conversation." Honesty works better than invented excuses. If someone keeps glancing around, offer them an out.
For couples, a safe word like "red" means stop immediately. An escape signal, like a double hand squeeze, means gracefully moving on. Justin also busts a common myth. Lifestyle parties aren't "one big orgy." They're usually regular parties with separate playrooms, and they can be safer than many mainstream events.
Tip Three: Talk Before You Touch
Justin treats lifestyle experiences as a "personal development workshop," not just a chance to drink and have sex. Readiness comes first. Don't open a relationship to rescue one that's ending. Couples should ask whether the experience will add to their relationship. Justin's core rule is "never endure." It's always okay to say, "I'm not ready."
Before any event, talk through intentions, boundaries, fears and desires. Boundaries can be simple, like "condoms only." Raise them before deciding to attend, since breaking one can erode trust long after the night ends. Sharing fears builds vulnerability and lets your partner respond with reassurance and a plan.
On desires, Justin warns that "going and seeing what happens is typically how you end up in tears." People who voice their desires "almost always make them come true." Look for events that offer education and real community. Justin's retreat runs November 5 to 8 with nightly conscious play parties.
Tip Four: Consent Applies to Everyone
Consent has no exceptions. "Naked is not a yes. Last time we did this is not a yes, and silence is definitely not a yes." Consent should be clear, ongoing, freely given, and revocable at any point. Gottlieb believes most violations he sees come from ignorance or an "ask for forgiveness instead of permission" attitude rather than ill intent, but he stresses that this is still unacceptable.
One partner's yes does not cancel another's no. When a woman deflects with "ask my partner," he can't tell whether she is a yes or hoping her partner declines, so he prefers that everyone answer for themselves and that both partners are enthusiastic. Justin shared that he repeatedly hears women are among the most frequent violators, which he attributes to the woman-forward culture of the lifestyle and an assumption that woman-on-woman touch is automatically "safe." He also hears from men who were grabbed without asking, and he urges women to be "so solid" on asking first.
He encourages guests to evaluate events on accountability, not just posted rules. Are there "angels or guardians" walking around? Is anyone monitoring the playroom? Rotating monthly parties where people come and go tend to be less safe than events built around a deeper community.
Tip Five: Set an Intention and Leave the Drama at Home
Drawing from tantra, Gottlieb recommends setting an intention before solo or partnered sex. He describes sexual energy as the most powerful energy in the world, since it "can create a human baby," and suggests directing it toward something meaningful, such as calling in a dream lover, sending health or peace to the world, or attracting abundance. Couples can discuss their intention on the way to the party and might even dare to ask another couple about theirs. The intention becomes a North Star for the night instead of "pinballing around." In his words, "pleasure follows intention and attention."
He also asks guests to leave the drama at home. If a couple is arguing in the car or carrying major unresolved issues, something such as jealousy or miscommunication is almost guaranteed to surface. Many people attend lifestyle events to escape and to be among accepting, non-judgmental people, and a tense couple "sucks the air out of the room." His advice is to stay home if you are not in a good place: "We shouldn't bring this energy to anyone else."
Tip Six: Show Up Connecting, Not Hunting
"Do not show up hunting. Show up connecting." Justin believes most people in the lifestyle want intimacy and friendship more than purely hedonistic sex. Looking back, Justin says sex without intention felt unfulfilling and can become addictive. As Justin puts it, "discernment is what keeps you safe." A connection focus makes people more relaxed and more desirable.
Skip gossip and judging other attendees. To move past small talk, try prompts like "Is there something you've never done that you'd want to do?" or "What's your best and worst lifestyle experience?" Lifestyle conversations often go deep quickly, thanks to shared vulnerability.
A good conversation that doesn't lead to sex "isn't a fail." Justin has seen connections build over many encounters before leading to a "deep, amazing" experience. Take a no gracefully and notice the small wins, like breaking through approach anxiety.
Tips Seven and Eight: Respect the Playroom and Value Everybody
Rule seven is "Respect the playroom, respect the scene." Rules vary by party. Some allow closed doors, while others let people watch without touching. Avoid narrating scenes, since careless comments can hurt others nearby. Over-talking often comes from nerves, and the remedy is to breathe and enjoy. Justin's rule is blunt. "Do not talk in the playroom." Someone nearby might be having a first time or facing performance anxiety. Watching is fine when it's consensual and respectful. If your boundary is only watching, "then just watch."
Rule eight is "Value everybody." Justin notes that the lifestyle often treats women as prizes and men as obstacles. "Women are not unicorns to collect." Asking for a woman's number while ignoring her date is "one of the most rude, disrespectful things." Treat any pair "as if they've been married for 10 years." Aim to be additive so couples go home inspired. If a partner seems tense, that's a cue not to connect that night.
Tip Nine: Party Like a Pro
"Do not come to an event to forget the event." Gottlieb asks guests to manage their intake so hosts, who may be curating an experience with limited time, never have to take care of them. Being out of control is a liability, especially for vulnerable people among strangers. "Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate is the rule," even if it means frequent bathroom trips, and transportation home should be planned in advance.
Hygiene is part of self-awareness, since "probably nobody is gonna go say something," so it helps to check yourself and your partner. He recommends showering, trimming and filing nails, and bringing your own condoms, including non-latex options, along with single-use lube packets. He urges everyone to "be kind to each other's bodies," warning that overly aggressive play can cause soreness and damage that may go unnoticed after drinking. Hand-washing between partners matters too, and he encourages people to speak up for themselves. For belongings, he suggests couples pick one corner and tuck clothing into their shoes, and keep valuables at home or securely locked up. One commenter shared that sober events are their favorite, and he agreed.
Tip Ten: Leave Better Than You Arrived
The final rule is to leave people better off, not leave a "trail of destruction." Check in with your partner throughout the night and step in if someone seems coerced. Avoid sabotage and comparisons. "Jealousy is information, not a verdict," Justin says. Try a gentle script like "I'm feeling a little tender," then name a need, such as more attention. Skip big relationship talks at 3 a.m.
Debriefing is essential, ideally once you're rested. On your own, ask what you learned and what you'd do next time. With a partner, talk about moments of jealousy and what turned each of you on. Justin says almost everyone who debriefs loves it, so make it fun and connected.
Justin offers in-person and virtual sessions, including tantra massage and coaching on exploring the lifestyle more consciously.
Original webinar was live-streamed on SDC.com Thursday, October 22nd, 2026
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