What If You’re Not Into Them?
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Webinar hosted by Lauren Hayes of SWINGINGCOACH
What If You’re Not Into Them? (And You’re Already at Dinner) You’ve matched. You’ve made plans. You’re sitting at the table… …and then you realize: you’re not into them. Now what? This is one of the most common—and least talked about—moments in the lifestyle. In this session, we’ll talk about how to handle it with honesty, respect, and confidence (without making it awkward or hurting anyone). Because knowing how to say “no” is one of the most important skills you can have.
Anticipation Is Welcome, Expectation Is Not
Lauren's core principle: "There really shouldn't be an expectation ever in any situation for play." Anticipation is part of the fun, but "expectation often kills desire," and much of it is pressure we place on ourselves.
Her reframe: "We're attracted to the lifestyle for the sex and the sexual adventure, and then we stay for the community and the friendship." She suggests going into dates looking for friendship and treating play as a bonus, though meeting a single for a threesome is a little different.
Some couples never play on a first date. Even if they bend the rule for great connections, Lauren believes it keeps the evening low-pressure.
Why Dinner Dates Can Feel Like a Bigger Step
Many newcomers assume large events are the most intimidating way to enter the lifestyle. Lauren suggests that dinner or drinks dates can actually be the bigger leap. Sitting face-to-face with a couple for an hour or more creates an intimacy that makes saying no feel much harder.
She also emphasized that early on with a new couple, there is no way to know whether play will happen. Established friend couples carry a higher expectation of play because both sides already know they want it. With new connections, uncertainty is simply part of the experience. She recalled one time when heavy flirty chatting beforehand convinced her play was certain, yet it never happened. Even lots of "sexy texting" with well-known lifestyle friends offers no guarantee.
The First Time She Said No
Early in the lifestyle, Lauren and her husband met a "very, very hot" couple, but their conversation left her feeling no attraction to the man. Most people, she explained, are "a little sapiosexual" and need a deeper connection.
She stepped away for a bathroom pep talk, telling herself, "I'm not marrying the guy, it's fine." Back at the table, a few more comments made her a firm no. These days, she skips the pep talks: "Either I'm into it or I'm not."
When the after-dinner coffee arrived, their usual sign that things were heading somewhere, she announced, "I just want everyone to know I'm not playing tonight." The man angrily turned away while his wife soothed him, and the check "took a lifetime." Lauren admits she could've handled it more gracefully, but every lifestyle friend she's told calls his reaction terrible. Even with everyone disappointed, "it felt good to say no."
Signing Up for Awkward
Lauren's framework for growth in the lifestyle is refreshingly direct: "We sign up for being outside of our comfort zone, we sign up for awkward, and we sign up for rejection." Learning to use one's voice and say no, without being rude, is part of the journey.
She has noticed that new couples accept being rejected ("we're not gonna be everybody's cup of tea") more easily than they accept rejecting others. Her gentle reminder is that the couple being turned down has likely said the same thing to someone else. She calls it good sportsmanship: you win some, you lose some.
If everyone else in a two-couple situation is interested except you, her advice is simple: say no.
Kind Words and Practical Dinner Tactics
When the company is great but the chemistry isn't, Lauren recommends taking "the awkward path" and saying so kindly: "We think you're so great, we'd love to hang out more, but we're not really feeling the play connection."
If people look nothing like their photos, that's "on them," so keep your own pictures current. With a clear mismatch, enjoy a quick dinner and call it a night. If someone gets handsy, state a boundary like "I'm not cool with PDA here" or sit closer to your partner. Some people miss social cues, so a clear word at the end of the evening may still be needed.
Explicit Conversation Beats Reading Vibes
Lauren champions open, explicit conversation over guesswork: "We're really into you guys and would love to play. No pressure, what do you feel? Feel free to go talk about it." She suggests asking even when the chemistry seems obvious, so no one goes along with something they aren't fully into.
When people seem different in person than in their messages, Lauren suspects one partner may be handling all the communication, or that heavy sexting has set up a vibe the real meeting can't match. She dislikes sexting herself, so her husband handles their online messaging, partly because she tends to overthink, though she's improved a lot over the years.
Filtering Online and Owning Your Preferences
Lauren was candid that finding compatible partners takes real effort and has no shortcut. "If this was the formula I could crack, I would be the richest person in the lifestyle." She avoids long texting relationships by asking early, "hey, are you guys into meeting up soon?" and encourages members to decide how much time they're truly willing to invest.
For single men who claim openness to bi-play but really only want the wife, she suggests ending your profile with a question people must answer when reaching out. You can also call out the pattern directly: "this always happens to us, what's your story?"
"I think we should all be picky," Lauren said. Being clear in your profile, including whether you're into hotwifing or full swapping, filters people out, and that's the point. On size, ask beforehand if it truly matters, though she wouldn't reject someone on that alone. If there's chemistry, "go with the chemistry."
Rejecting Online Without Guilt
Lauren noted that feeling awkward about gracefully let men down online signals people pleasing, which she says is "really not compatible with the lifestyle." Online is the ideal time to reject, with a simple line like "Sorry, things have not played out as planned, and we're a no." Then "never think about it again."
She urges members to be direct and kind, never leaving people guessing. Once that's done, "you have done your job and you can never respond again." As she put it, "You don't owe anyone anything ever, but especially in a text string." A ready-made line removes what often feels like the hardest part: "Thanks for reaching out, but we do not think it would be a good fit. Best of luck to you in your future endeavors."
How someone responds to a no is a filter in itself. People practicing the lifestyle in a healthy way reply with something like "OK, no problem, thanks for letting us know." Any other reaction suggests someone you wouldn't want to be with anyway.
Conscious Choice Versus People Pleasing
Lauren drew an important distinction between two very different ways of saying yes. People pleasing means agreeing to avoid a partner's disappointment, embarrassment, or the difficulty of saying no. A conscious choice means knowingly going along in a gray area, such as when a partner is very into a couple, and owning that decision fully without ever blaming your partner afterward.
The warning sign is ending the night thinking "I wasn't into them, but you were, so I said yes," and feeling resentful. That was not a conscious choice. Her advice is to pause and check in with yourself. "Disappointing your partner is really better than disappointing yourself... you will either learn by listening to me or the hard way."
Spontaneity, Preparation, and Privacy
Some couples want play to "happen naturally," which can be tricky for planners. As Lauren put it, "expectation creates obligation, obligation kills desire." Anyone can adopt a "we'll see how the vibe goes" mindset, since every evening is uncertain. It's fair to ask about practical things like booking a hotel, just don't push too hard.
Her tip: always be prepared. Keep lingerie and toys in the car, and if nothing happens, enjoy the hotel as a couple.
Worried about being recognized? Almost everyone is at first, and if you run into someone you know at an event, they're there too. If that still feels risky, dinner meetups or playing while traveling are great alternatives.
Original webinar was live-streamed on SDC.com on Friday, May 15, 2026
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